Allison, thank you so much for sharing this, for a couple of reasons. One, watching the livestream, one got the feeling it was all positive vibes and relatively manageable for the front of the pack. That's why it's good to see stories like yours, or Courtney's posts about her low points, or Sally McRae's struggles showing how shitty it really was at times for some. Also, I related in a small way, because I ran a 50M on Saturday that was such a grind and didn't feel joyful. I really just wanted to be done. Your story reminds me of a woman I coached about eight years ago. She was a full-time working mom and trained diligently for a 100K that was a big goal. But she entered it not in a good headspace, stressed out. Around mile 35, she literally ran off course. It was an act of rebellion for her to just get off the route, have some quiet hours to herself, and take back her autonomy to say "I don't have to do this." I hope you get some of your life back from your demanding struggle. Life has many chapters, and having time for yourself does get easier later in life, at least that's my experience! Take care and keep writing.
I saw you at the expo the night before and (very awkwardly) told you how inspiring you were to me. I relived that fan-girl moment all through the Sedona Canyons 125 until just before Munds Park when I started having back spasms that led to me handing in my tracker. I grew up with a similar story (mine was "God first, others second, self last") so I understand how hard it is to move past that, especially when exhaustion sets in. Anyway, all I'm trying to say is thank you for your honesty, you are still an inspiration!!!
Yep, that's the saying! I heard it was from a football player. We both gave it our all and it is ok to walk away when the body or mind aren't there. Amazing work Pamela, and it was great to meet you!
As someone following along on the tracker, it looked like you were going through it, and I was proud of you for turning back and resting at Sedona, but I was even more proud of you for turning back to Munds because it felt to me like that was a huge decisions and the right one and one I have not made many times in my life. So I find your story about it to be even more moving and inspirational to me to choose myself more and not push so hard when I know it’s not right and I’m not doing it for myself. Thank you Allison.
Thank you for reading and subscribing! Yes, it's clear with hindsight the struggle was from the gun. Picking myself was huge and scary, but the right call. My best hope is to take the lesson and move forward to future events.
This was such a real and raw piece of writing. Not just about ultrarunning, but about identity, expectations, self-worth, and the complicated relationship many driven people have with achievement.
As a former runner, a lot of this resonated with me deeply.
One of the hardest parts of running is that sometimes you do everything “right” and it still falls apart. You get injured before the race. Training never clicks. Your head or body just isn’t there on race day. Those moments hurt deeply because runners invest so much of themselves into the journey.
But over time I came to realize that this is also part of the gift of running. The lessons are not always waiting at the finish line.
At some point, you learn to appreciate the simple act of putting one foot in front of the other for as long as you are able — at any pace, for any distance, on any given day. That alone is precious.
Your writing captured something a lot of athletes feel but rarely say out loud: there is a difference between proving something and honoring yourself.
“The growth is bigger than a belt buckle” was a beautiful line.
And honestly, after reading this, I think it will be very interesting to see what happens the next time you pin a bib onto a singlet and toe a starting line again. My guess is that version of Allison will be showing up with a very different relationship to running — and probably to herself too.
Thank you Dan! Exactly, it is tough to reflect on all I put into the race, and some can look at it like I got "nothing" out of it, since I didn't finish. But I got so much!
I'm excited to take some time to recover and reset, and look forward to the next challenge.
Allison, thank you so much for sharing this, for a couple of reasons. One, watching the livestream, one got the feeling it was all positive vibes and relatively manageable for the front of the pack. That's why it's good to see stories like yours, or Courtney's posts about her low points, or Sally McRae's struggles showing how shitty it really was at times for some. Also, I related in a small way, because I ran a 50M on Saturday that was such a grind and didn't feel joyful. I really just wanted to be done. Your story reminds me of a woman I coached about eight years ago. She was a full-time working mom and trained diligently for a 100K that was a big goal. But she entered it not in a good headspace, stressed out. Around mile 35, she literally ran off course. It was an act of rebellion for her to just get off the route, have some quiet hours to herself, and take back her autonomy to say "I don't have to do this." I hope you get some of your life back from your demanding struggle. Life has many chapters, and having time for yourself does get easier later in life, at least that's my experience! Take care and keep writing.
Thank you, Sarah! I appreciate the kind words. Being authentic is important to me, even if it's not glamorous or "easy".
I saw you at the expo the night before and (very awkwardly) told you how inspiring you were to me. I relived that fan-girl moment all through the Sedona Canyons 125 until just before Munds Park when I started having back spasms that led to me handing in my tracker. I grew up with a similar story (mine was "God first, others second, self last") so I understand how hard it is to move past that, especially when exhaustion sets in. Anyway, all I'm trying to say is thank you for your honesty, you are still an inspiration!!!
Yep, that's the saying! I heard it was from a football player. We both gave it our all and it is ok to walk away when the body or mind aren't there. Amazing work Pamela, and it was great to meet you!
As someone following along on the tracker, it looked like you were going through it, and I was proud of you for turning back and resting at Sedona, but I was even more proud of you for turning back to Munds because it felt to me like that was a huge decisions and the right one and one I have not made many times in my life. So I find your story about it to be even more moving and inspirational to me to choose myself more and not push so hard when I know it’s not right and I’m not doing it for myself. Thank you Allison.
Thank you for reading and subscribing! Yes, it's clear with hindsight the struggle was from the gun. Picking myself was huge and scary, but the right call. My best hope is to take the lesson and move forward to future events.
This was such a real and raw piece of writing. Not just about ultrarunning, but about identity, expectations, self-worth, and the complicated relationship many driven people have with achievement.
As a former runner, a lot of this resonated with me deeply.
One of the hardest parts of running is that sometimes you do everything “right” and it still falls apart. You get injured before the race. Training never clicks. Your head or body just isn’t there on race day. Those moments hurt deeply because runners invest so much of themselves into the journey.
But over time I came to realize that this is also part of the gift of running. The lessons are not always waiting at the finish line.
At some point, you learn to appreciate the simple act of putting one foot in front of the other for as long as you are able — at any pace, for any distance, on any given day. That alone is precious.
Your writing captured something a lot of athletes feel but rarely say out loud: there is a difference between proving something and honoring yourself.
“The growth is bigger than a belt buckle” was a beautiful line.
And honestly, after reading this, I think it will be very interesting to see what happens the next time you pin a bib onto a singlet and toe a starting line again. My guess is that version of Allison will be showing up with a very different relationship to running — and probably to herself too.
So proud of you!!!
Thank you Dan! Exactly, it is tough to reflect on all I put into the race, and some can look at it like I got "nothing" out of it, since I didn't finish. But I got so much!
I'm excited to take some time to recover and reset, and look forward to the next challenge.